you are an unstable constant in my life
there is no promise of you in daybreak
and there is no lingering trace of you at night.
for three years of my life you were there
i could depend on you to house me
to feed me, to take care of me.
but then i left because i didn't know
i didn't know what it would be like away
from your blistering chill and your great cooking.
i have returned to you twice a year
ten years i hope you'll accept me once more
one week i hope it can feel natural again.
you send me away with bags packed and car humming
you do not plead for me to stay by your side
you leave no parting words between us.
i cry for you every week and i'm not ashamed
i curse you before i sleep, clutching my pillow
and before i sleep i smell the garlic and coffee scent.
i do not love the paradise you love
i hate the palm trees and i hate the sun
i hate hurricane season and i hate sandy beaches.
i love the snow you complain about
i love burnt tongues from too hot hot chocolate
i love the promise of snow days i never get.
i have promised to the world to return in your embrace
i have promised the world i'll be successful
and i have said it because of you.
i know without you, i can't make it anywhere.
i haven't fallen out of love with your former glitz
because it still remains to me.
you are what has made me and shaped me
though i do not live with you
i am constantly in your state of mind